Psychophant's Rants
25.12.04
Chritmas Spirit
Or lack of.
An obvious rant, and one that is very popular among many people. But indeed, what other thing we can do, when this is designed to make us feel bad.
First of all, Christmas is a children celebration. So if you do not have children, you are missing most of the magic. And there is one more thing for friends and family to use as ammo to make you feel bad.
Then, the gifts. We are, most of the ranters, at an age and position when most material desires are fulfilled instantly. So unless someone takes the time and effort to get a tailored, subtle gift, most gifts are second tier desires, or some attempt (unlikely to succeed) to get a new interest or fad started. And the inverse is also true. Either you work a lot, or you know your gifts will be second tier gifts as well. So neither giving nor receiving are really satisfying.
And food comes with its own guilt load ("I should not, but..."), so that it fails as a pleasure source. Maybe cooking, but there is not enough of that.
If you add that they are holidays where you seldom have the time to do nothing, or at least those things that should be done, as you are too busy visiting, cooking, shopping (too long, too expensive) or recovering to take the car to the workshop, and anyway it does not matter because the workshop will not take it
So yes, it is our fault we do not enjoy Christmas. But we still have whining rights, to talk against this abomination. And yet, I always feel we are a minority, and most readers just see this yearly rants and just shake their heads and think: "how can they miss it so much?"
¶ 11:40 PM 0 comments
Or lack of.
An obvious rant, and one that is very popular among many people. But indeed, what other thing we can do, when this is designed to make us feel bad.
First of all, Christmas is a children celebration. So if you do not have children, you are missing most of the magic. And there is one more thing for friends and family to use as ammo to make you feel bad.
Then, the gifts. We are, most of the ranters, at an age and position when most material desires are fulfilled instantly. So unless someone takes the time and effort to get a tailored, subtle gift, most gifts are second tier desires, or some attempt (unlikely to succeed) to get a new interest or fad started. And the inverse is also true. Either you work a lot, or you know your gifts will be second tier gifts as well. So neither giving nor receiving are really satisfying.
And food comes with its own guilt load ("I should not, but..."), so that it fails as a pleasure source. Maybe cooking, but there is not enough of that.
If you add that they are holidays where you seldom have the time to do nothing, or at least those things that should be done, as you are too busy visiting, cooking, shopping (too long, too expensive) or recovering to take the car to the workshop, and anyway it does not matter because the workshop will not take it
So yes, it is our fault we do not enjoy Christmas. But we still have whining rights, to talk against this abomination. And yet, I always feel we are a minority, and most readers just see this yearly rants and just shake their heads and think: "how can they miss it so much?"
¶ 11:40 PM 0 comments
20.12.04
Compulsory Sex
I do not think I have any under-age readers, but if you are, please skip this. Or keep reading, as anyway you probably know as much as I do.
One of the changes when you pass that subtle barrier from lover to partner, in my experience, is in the general attitude to sex. It is tied with the change in priorities from passion to care, from "me" to "us", from emotional unstability to stability.
It is a widely accepted falsehood that marriage (or long term partership) kills the sex life. It does not, obviously. But the new availability and stability change the mood. When you are lovers, even if there are no obstacles (and usually there are, such as finding a nice quiet place), sex and its performance are always in the mind, not as much for the pleasure itself, but as the easiest way to express the passion that we feel. And generally you try to profit of those opportunities you get. The passion itself and external circumstances make clear when will be and will not be sex. In a way, you are always ready, when circumstances allow.
However, when you are living together there are as many opportunities as you want, and having the right mood becomes important. As well, satisfaction matters much more, in order to be balanced. Which means that sometimes you have to engage in sex when you do not feel like it.
It is, in a sense, similar to ironing or washing when you do not want to, a duty to the shared life. And sharing it is as well is an important part of women's liberation, that they can both say no, and ask their partner for some loving.
Men, however, are not well suited for this, both from the tradition that we are breaking with, and the mental attitude to sex. We are expected to never say no, so if you have some difficulties, you may choose the blanket solution of always saying no, so that you do not have to deal with lack of desire or performance fright. Denial. But as you should be able to say no, you should also be able of saying yes when you are not feeling top. There are needs, and a couple to strengthen. And being dependable means more than a monthly paycheck. Those are one of the ways to deepen the complicity, when you are able to arouse your partner, or letting yourself be aroused. And if it just does not work, be able to talk about it, and as well use one of the many ways to get at least some satisfaction. It is a matter of trust, trust in what your partner asks, and specially trust in your partner's ability to understand you.
It should be a quiet passion, but passion nevertheless. One of those tricks they do not warn you about that help keep the flow steady.
¶ 10:37 AM 0 comments
I do not think I have any under-age readers, but if you are, please skip this. Or keep reading, as anyway you probably know as much as I do.
One of the changes when you pass that subtle barrier from lover to partner, in my experience, is in the general attitude to sex. It is tied with the change in priorities from passion to care, from "me" to "us", from emotional unstability to stability.
It is a widely accepted falsehood that marriage (or long term partership) kills the sex life. It does not, obviously. But the new availability and stability change the mood. When you are lovers, even if there are no obstacles (and usually there are, such as finding a nice quiet place), sex and its performance are always in the mind, not as much for the pleasure itself, but as the easiest way to express the passion that we feel. And generally you try to profit of those opportunities you get. The passion itself and external circumstances make clear when will be and will not be sex. In a way, you are always ready, when circumstances allow.
However, when you are living together there are as many opportunities as you want, and having the right mood becomes important. As well, satisfaction matters much more, in order to be balanced. Which means that sometimes you have to engage in sex when you do not feel like it.
It is, in a sense, similar to ironing or washing when you do not want to, a duty to the shared life. And sharing it is as well is an important part of women's liberation, that they can both say no, and ask their partner for some loving.
Men, however, are not well suited for this, both from the tradition that we are breaking with, and the mental attitude to sex. We are expected to never say no, so if you have some difficulties, you may choose the blanket solution of always saying no, so that you do not have to deal with lack of desire or performance fright. Denial. But as you should be able to say no, you should also be able of saying yes when you are not feeling top. There are needs, and a couple to strengthen. And being dependable means more than a monthly paycheck. Those are one of the ways to deepen the complicity, when you are able to arouse your partner, or letting yourself be aroused. And if it just does not work, be able to talk about it, and as well use one of the many ways to get at least some satisfaction. It is a matter of trust, trust in what your partner asks, and specially trust in your partner's ability to understand you.
It should be a quiet passion, but passion nevertheless. One of those tricks they do not warn you about that help keep the flow steady.
¶ 10:37 AM 0 comments
17.12.04
Corporates
In my work I meet many big corporation people. They are usually of four kinds, depending on age and replaceability. Sex is less important for these companies, although most of type 2 are still male.
The ones I meet less, and would like to meet more are the corporate researchers. They are generally tight-lipped, often proud of their rich means, but also tightly restrained. Both to avoid missteps, and to avoid giving anything away. They even have problem with their coworkers, as they are their real competitors. And all the time dreading the terrible shift that would take them out of the white coated elite (except for the few that cannot take it any more and want the extra money): technical customer support.
The only researchers I have been able to talk glibly with, and usually when they relax they relax a lot, is with those whose projects have absolutely nothing to do with me. Then the guard can come down and we can swap stories, share catastrophes and discuss disasters. The old alchemical brotherhood. A close collaboration on a shared research project will be better, but I have only had one of those. Companies mistrust each other terribly, and we mistrust those loose-lipped public researchers and their publication rat-race.
Then you have those who are ahead of the ability curve. Those who still seem qualified to go up. Whether a mix of charm, ability, contacts or generally all three, they are still on the rise. They seldom have time for someone like me, unless they realise I am really just under the top, this being a short pyramid. Then I usually get a brief treatment of politeness and dazzle, either their great lives, or the great company they work for, or the great products they have. If I do not seem likely to spout some free information or influence my boss, they just go looking for more valuable ways to spend their time. A couple of times I have met one of these high flyers in a down mood (they get the blues, too), and they are generally fun, companionable when they do not show the public mask. And they insist on paying everything.
The third are those who fell under the ability curve. Those laterally placed to limit their incompetence, or those increasingly more desperate as their projects get smaller while others rise in the hierarchy. Many companies get rid of these people by firing those who stagnate for a certain period, but that is an American thing, so in Europe you can find embittered ex-execs, in a (usually well paid) no-exit position, doing something minor. A clear sign is that these fellows have no expense account, but they gladly accept when you use yours. They can make life very difficult, knowing everyone and the post perfectly, but they are also easy to befriend, as they are not too loyal. They almost never betray the company, however, as they know they probably will not get anything better.
The last one are the more common, the "bright, young things". Recently out of some kind of advanced education, usually company sponsored or restricted, they put their hearts and souls in following the book where they can, and forgetting it when they see a benefit. Ambitious, ruthless, and unwise to the ways of the world, few of them plan for long term. And why should they? They will usually be transferred within three months, six months maximum. So there is no need for a nurture policy. Here you need a slash and burn approach. Get results now, as someone else will deal with the mess.
The slow will find out who deals with the messes, while the quick will be allowed to start taking a long view.
And shattered lives surround them, both the failed execs and their victims.
As well there are plenty of normal people who make up the corp's workforce, the majority normally. But these are the ones who usually interact with outsiders. There is a mystique to keep...
¶ 9:05 PM 0 comments
In my work I meet many big corporation people. They are usually of four kinds, depending on age and replaceability. Sex is less important for these companies, although most of type 2 are still male.
The ones I meet less, and would like to meet more are the corporate researchers. They are generally tight-lipped, often proud of their rich means, but also tightly restrained. Both to avoid missteps, and to avoid giving anything away. They even have problem with their coworkers, as they are their real competitors. And all the time dreading the terrible shift that would take them out of the white coated elite (except for the few that cannot take it any more and want the extra money): technical customer support.
The only researchers I have been able to talk glibly with, and usually when they relax they relax a lot, is with those whose projects have absolutely nothing to do with me. Then the guard can come down and we can swap stories, share catastrophes and discuss disasters. The old alchemical brotherhood. A close collaboration on a shared research project will be better, but I have only had one of those. Companies mistrust each other terribly, and we mistrust those loose-lipped public researchers and their publication rat-race.
Then you have those who are ahead of the ability curve. Those who still seem qualified to go up. Whether a mix of charm, ability, contacts or generally all three, they are still on the rise. They seldom have time for someone like me, unless they realise I am really just under the top, this being a short pyramid. Then I usually get a brief treatment of politeness and dazzle, either their great lives, or the great company they work for, or the great products they have. If I do not seem likely to spout some free information or influence my boss, they just go looking for more valuable ways to spend their time. A couple of times I have met one of these high flyers in a down mood (they get the blues, too), and they are generally fun, companionable when they do not show the public mask. And they insist on paying everything.
The third are those who fell under the ability curve. Those laterally placed to limit their incompetence, or those increasingly more desperate as their projects get smaller while others rise in the hierarchy. Many companies get rid of these people by firing those who stagnate for a certain period, but that is an American thing, so in Europe you can find embittered ex-execs, in a (usually well paid) no-exit position, doing something minor. A clear sign is that these fellows have no expense account, but they gladly accept when you use yours. They can make life very difficult, knowing everyone and the post perfectly, but they are also easy to befriend, as they are not too loyal. They almost never betray the company, however, as they know they probably will not get anything better.
The last one are the more common, the "bright, young things". Recently out of some kind of advanced education, usually company sponsored or restricted, they put their hearts and souls in following the book where they can, and forgetting it when they see a benefit. Ambitious, ruthless, and unwise to the ways of the world, few of them plan for long term. And why should they? They will usually be transferred within three months, six months maximum. So there is no need for a nurture policy. Here you need a slash and burn approach. Get results now, as someone else will deal with the mess.
The slow will find out who deals with the messes, while the quick will be allowed to start taking a long view.
And shattered lives surround them, both the failed execs and their victims.
As well there are plenty of normal people who make up the corp's workforce, the majority normally. But these are the ones who usually interact with outsiders. There is a mystique to keep...
¶ 9:05 PM 0 comments
11.12.04
Bad Memories, Pt. 2
Besides the fear of death and helplessness of my first memory, that probably has been a key aspect in my reluctance to try any kind of mind alterant drug, what i would consider my second worst memory is much more recent.
It took place in Milan, in 2003. It was a business trip, visiting a trade fair, and the last night, the stress of the stand over, we were taken by our Italian hosts to celebrate.
I recognize I have had a sheltered upbringing and my own introversion has led me to live a quiet and "sensible" life. So I had absolutely no previous experience of that kind.
We were taken to a strip bar, with brothel on the side. And as soon as we were in, besides the spectacle on the center scene, we were furnished with a girl (two for the main host, who was a good patron).
The shame, the confusion, the doubt, and to be sincere, the curiosity and fascination were such a mix that I almost could not drink the dubious Moet Chandon we were served. And it did not make things easier.
As well, finding my girl (who kept trying to grope me, despite my wordless resistance) did speak Spanish only compounded the horror, as I could listen in curious horror and fascination to her sad tale of poverty, inmigration and exploitation.
Despite the host efforts our discomfort (that was one of the comforting points, that my companions seemed as surprised and shocked as I was) was so evident we left without any need to go further than conversation (after the silence that received the offer of a lap dance).
But that mix of unease, horror, shame and pity will be with me always.
That will keep me from paying from sex, I believe, as well.
¶ 1:40 PM 0 comments
Besides the fear of death and helplessness of my first memory, that probably has been a key aspect in my reluctance to try any kind of mind alterant drug, what i would consider my second worst memory is much more recent.
It took place in Milan, in 2003. It was a business trip, visiting a trade fair, and the last night, the stress of the stand over, we were taken by our Italian hosts to celebrate.
I recognize I have had a sheltered upbringing and my own introversion has led me to live a quiet and "sensible" life. So I had absolutely no previous experience of that kind.
We were taken to a strip bar, with brothel on the side. And as soon as we were in, besides the spectacle on the center scene, we were furnished with a girl (two for the main host, who was a good patron).
The shame, the confusion, the doubt, and to be sincere, the curiosity and fascination were such a mix that I almost could not drink the dubious Moet Chandon we were served. And it did not make things easier.
As well, finding my girl (who kept trying to grope me, despite my wordless resistance) did speak Spanish only compounded the horror, as I could listen in curious horror and fascination to her sad tale of poverty, inmigration and exploitation.
Despite the host efforts our discomfort (that was one of the comforting points, that my companions seemed as surprised and shocked as I was) was so evident we left without any need to go further than conversation (after the silence that received the offer of a lap dance).
But that mix of unease, horror, shame and pity will be with me always.
That will keep me from paying from sex, I believe, as well.
¶ 1:40 PM 0 comments
10.12.04
Quality Time
I am trying to spend some more time with my wife, while we check how can we patch things up, so I have been a little absent around here. As well Blogger deleted the template (I wonder how?) so I decided to change things a bit. Which is why it is mostly the same, but not all.
One of those strange effects of passing a long time talking, or writing to someone, is how there are periods, sometimes even long ones, where you feel as if there is no need to say much. How you are so used to each other (this has not to do with synchronicity, as there it is not a matter of experience, but mental similitude) that really there is no need to say more. A nod, a subtle smile, or just two lines in an e-mail, and there is no need for more.
However, other times, you just have to say something. It does not matter that the other person knows most of it and probably can tell half the story as well as you. It is the act of telling itself that is important, and the fact that you have a trusted one to tell it. Other day I will see the matter of trust, as you can trust someone you hate, and mistrust someone you love.
So that means that Quality Time usually is just a matter of presence and non-verbal communication, instead of plain babbling and itemizing of events. Just a real expression of "I like being with you, no matter what we are doing."
¶ 1:29 PM 0 comments
I am trying to spend some more time with my wife, while we check how can we patch things up, so I have been a little absent around here. As well Blogger deleted the template (I wonder how?) so I decided to change things a bit. Which is why it is mostly the same, but not all.
One of those strange effects of passing a long time talking, or writing to someone, is how there are periods, sometimes even long ones, where you feel as if there is no need to say much. How you are so used to each other (this has not to do with synchronicity, as there it is not a matter of experience, but mental similitude) that really there is no need to say more. A nod, a subtle smile, or just two lines in an e-mail, and there is no need for more.
However, other times, you just have to say something. It does not matter that the other person knows most of it and probably can tell half the story as well as you. It is the act of telling itself that is important, and the fact that you have a trusted one to tell it. Other day I will see the matter of trust, as you can trust someone you hate, and mistrust someone you love.
So that means that Quality Time usually is just a matter of presence and non-verbal communication, instead of plain babbling and itemizing of events. Just a real expression of "I like being with you, no matter what we are doing."
¶ 1:29 PM 0 comments
5.12.04
Bad Memories
Besides revisiting some of the best memories I have, I think I should share a couple of the worse ones.
For now, I will skip those of unrequited or spurned love, always worse in memory than reality. And I will choose two different ones, as most of the worse ones would be drawn by feelings of powerlessness.
What from where I stand now seems the worst is a quite old one, when I was eleven. After crashing head-on with another student (returning to class after a break) I felt really strange. And unlike most times, it got increasingly worse instead of better with passing time. From a splitting headache and a little disorientation I started to lose sensitivity, to get easily distracted and even lose track of time and place. At the end, lying in my room in the dark, unable to move, not knowing who I was or where I was. Not even sure if I was the same me from a few seconds (hours?) before.
Now I know I was suffering from a cranial traumatism, and there was a race to see if there was a need to open the skull to alleviate the pressure or not. Fortunately it was not necessary, or the story could have impressive props and scars, and probably less obvious mental ones. But that endless time made me a positivist for life.
According to my parents, after that I became fearless. I still tend towards recklessness. I know a part of it lies in those hours, when I could not even say if I was dead or alive. Details are scarce, which is only to be expected, but I can look back to those moments, close my eyes, and feel awash in the confusion, fear and dislocation. The first real time my body failed. Later alcohol for instance has shown me it is not that hard, but that occasion was the first. And the worst.
At least it made me read philosophy.
The second one will come soon. This is enough remembrance for today.
¶ 11:16 PM 0 comments
Besides revisiting some of the best memories I have, I think I should share a couple of the worse ones.
For now, I will skip those of unrequited or spurned love, always worse in memory than reality. And I will choose two different ones, as most of the worse ones would be drawn by feelings of powerlessness.
What from where I stand now seems the worst is a quite old one, when I was eleven. After crashing head-on with another student (returning to class after a break) I felt really strange. And unlike most times, it got increasingly worse instead of better with passing time. From a splitting headache and a little disorientation I started to lose sensitivity, to get easily distracted and even lose track of time and place. At the end, lying in my room in the dark, unable to move, not knowing who I was or where I was. Not even sure if I was the same me from a few seconds (hours?) before.
Now I know I was suffering from a cranial traumatism, and there was a race to see if there was a need to open the skull to alleviate the pressure or not. Fortunately it was not necessary, or the story could have impressive props and scars, and probably less obvious mental ones. But that endless time made me a positivist for life.
According to my parents, after that I became fearless. I still tend towards recklessness. I know a part of it lies in those hours, when I could not even say if I was dead or alive. Details are scarce, which is only to be expected, but I can look back to those moments, close my eyes, and feel awash in the confusion, fear and dislocation. The first real time my body failed. Later alcohol for instance has shown me it is not that hard, but that occasion was the first. And the worst.
At least it made me read philosophy.
The second one will come soon. This is enough remembrance for today.
¶ 11:16 PM 0 comments
2.12.04
Languages
I have a complicated relationship with foreign languages.
Working for an US company (Chrysler) my father was aware in advance of time of the importance of learning English. So at a time when in Spain students only studied a foreign language from age 13 to 16 (half English and the rest French and German), I started with private tuition at age 8, usually natives. Although they changed frequently, that exposed me to many different accents, and twisted my own out of shape.
When I started the "normal" courses I knew almost as much as the teachers, and as I spent a month in a language exchange in the USA when I was 14, that made me also a local authority in US culture ( a status that made me strive to really be well informed about it), as well as starting to read in English (The Lord of the Rings, fear teenager fearlessness).
Once on that way, it was clear I would remain fluent in English, no matter what drifts or influences my accent would take. Trips to the USA, to UK, films, books, it just became easier.
After taking ten years to really feel confident with a second language, at 18 started the problem of what should I learn now? Although French seemed the logical choice (proximity and similitude) I did not like the language and I thought German could be more useful in my work (after briefly considering Japanese and Italian). So at the same as I started Chemistry I also started German, and even took a brief stay in Freiburg, Germany, to improve the language.
But both my delayed hormones and the interference of English (I thought in English when trying to speak German), as well as being unused to making efforts when learning a language meant that I failed terribly. Despite having studied three years I have only a limited understanding in reading and comprehension, and I am totally unable to speak and write beyond three stock phrases.
Several years later, when I was resigned to master only one foreign language, my expected post-doc in UK failed to materialize (no funds) while I got two offers from France. So I accepted the best one of the two, and in the month I had before starting the work, I took a four week crash course in French (thinking that at least in the laboratory I could handle myself in English). Once they noticed I had a slight knowledge, and interest in learning, all my coworkers started a campaign to teach me French, led by the lab technicians (who could not talk to me in English). The first six months were a fast repeat of childhood education, being corrected constantly and being told six times everything till it was clear I understood everything. The first time I pronounced temps correctly we held a small party, and a big one when I did my first seminary in French (a previous one in English had been almost deserted). It is this constant effort from a score or people (my boss was the only one who spoke to me in English, to make sure the objectives and tasks were clear). Against the advice of other people I did not watch TV, but I read newspapers, books and went once or twice a week to the cinema. The end result is that I learnt very quickly, almost painlessly (except the one hundred repetitions till I got a word right) and at the same time made some great friends.
So it is possible, in my opinion, to learn a language like a child even when you are an adult. The problem is to find a dedicated group of people willing to make the effort to help you learn, instead of stopping when communication is somehow achieved. Even now, Beatrice chides me on the phone for any mistakes I make.
So I have a great grammar and an adequate writing skill in English, but I talk more easily and with more confidence in French, even if I only have had four weeks of formal study.
It is also the only language I swear with any naturality.
¶ 8:16 PM 0 comments
I have a complicated relationship with foreign languages.
Working for an US company (Chrysler) my father was aware in advance of time of the importance of learning English. So at a time when in Spain students only studied a foreign language from age 13 to 16 (half English and the rest French and German), I started with private tuition at age 8, usually natives. Although they changed frequently, that exposed me to many different accents, and twisted my own out of shape.
When I started the "normal" courses I knew almost as much as the teachers, and as I spent a month in a language exchange in the USA when I was 14, that made me also a local authority in US culture ( a status that made me strive to really be well informed about it), as well as starting to read in English (The Lord of the Rings, fear teenager fearlessness).
Once on that way, it was clear I would remain fluent in English, no matter what drifts or influences my accent would take. Trips to the USA, to UK, films, books, it just became easier.
After taking ten years to really feel confident with a second language, at 18 started the problem of what should I learn now? Although French seemed the logical choice (proximity and similitude) I did not like the language and I thought German could be more useful in my work (after briefly considering Japanese and Italian). So at the same as I started Chemistry I also started German, and even took a brief stay in Freiburg, Germany, to improve the language.
But both my delayed hormones and the interference of English (I thought in English when trying to speak German), as well as being unused to making efforts when learning a language meant that I failed terribly. Despite having studied three years I have only a limited understanding in reading and comprehension, and I am totally unable to speak and write beyond three stock phrases.
Several years later, when I was resigned to master only one foreign language, my expected post-doc in UK failed to materialize (no funds) while I got two offers from France. So I accepted the best one of the two, and in the month I had before starting the work, I took a four week crash course in French (thinking that at least in the laboratory I could handle myself in English). Once they noticed I had a slight knowledge, and interest in learning, all my coworkers started a campaign to teach me French, led by the lab technicians (who could not talk to me in English). The first six months were a fast repeat of childhood education, being corrected constantly and being told six times everything till it was clear I understood everything. The first time I pronounced temps correctly we held a small party, and a big one when I did my first seminary in French (a previous one in English had been almost deserted). It is this constant effort from a score or people (my boss was the only one who spoke to me in English, to make sure the objectives and tasks were clear). Against the advice of other people I did not watch TV, but I read newspapers, books and went once or twice a week to the cinema. The end result is that I learnt very quickly, almost painlessly (except the one hundred repetitions till I got a word right) and at the same time made some great friends.
So it is possible, in my opinion, to learn a language like a child even when you are an adult. The problem is to find a dedicated group of people willing to make the effort to help you learn, instead of stopping when communication is somehow achieved. Even now, Beatrice chides me on the phone for any mistakes I make.
So I have a great grammar and an adequate writing skill in English, but I talk more easily and with more confidence in French, even if I only have had four weeks of formal study.
It is also the only language I swear with any naturality.
¶ 8:16 PM 0 comments
