Psychophant's Rants
28.11.04
Emotional Entropy
After the last series of rants and related conversations about emotions and feelings, I have been refining my ideas on the matter.
And continuing with my pseudo-scientific metaphors I have started thinking on emotional entropy, the natural force that, unless one puts work into it, makes all emotions to erode back to the base state. I suspect the entropy rate increases with age, or maybe I am finding harder to put as much work into relationships as I used to. But things are as they are. If you remember my image of the emotional plane, lately most pits are filled over, and few mountains can be seen from afar.
In a first view, letting entropy win seems a good solution. No more hate, no more bleeding heart, agonies and jealousies. But the problem in this is reciprocity. This is not a voluntary process, something you can control. And if someone devotes time and energy to you, either you are a black hole (and there are of those around) or you cannot avoid returning some of it. So if someone really wants they can get something out of you, even against your will. But being loved (or hated) is not so bad. At least gives interest to your own life.
The real problem is that you lose as well the small pleasures, and they go first, as well as the small rivalries, dislikes, petty jealousy and fond affection. That landscape that makes the world a warm, lived place.
As the big passions last longer, and they seem even larger in the sudden disappeareance of other, smaller reference points, I suppose I will feel the typical middle age crisis and embark in the search for a last great passion, with my wife or abroad, or just a friendship at a blood brothers level. The urge to feel alive again, to feel the vertigo of great love or a burning hate once again.
And later, with most energy exhausted, just a series of low hills, again remembered fondly, but without remorse and pain. In the normal progress of time, and if this continues, Death can hold no fear, as there will be no need to fear. Nothing will really matter and all meaningful will have already been lost.
But so far I still miss my emotions, and delight in those passions I still can muster.
¶ 11:45 AM 0 comments
After the last series of rants and related conversations about emotions and feelings, I have been refining my ideas on the matter.
And continuing with my pseudo-scientific metaphors I have started thinking on emotional entropy, the natural force that, unless one puts work into it, makes all emotions to erode back to the base state. I suspect the entropy rate increases with age, or maybe I am finding harder to put as much work into relationships as I used to. But things are as they are. If you remember my image of the emotional plane, lately most pits are filled over, and few mountains can be seen from afar.
In a first view, letting entropy win seems a good solution. No more hate, no more bleeding heart, agonies and jealousies. But the problem in this is reciprocity. This is not a voluntary process, something you can control. And if someone devotes time and energy to you, either you are a black hole (and there are of those around) or you cannot avoid returning some of it. So if someone really wants they can get something out of you, even against your will. But being loved (or hated) is not so bad. At least gives interest to your own life.
The real problem is that you lose as well the small pleasures, and they go first, as well as the small rivalries, dislikes, petty jealousy and fond affection. That landscape that makes the world a warm, lived place.
As the big passions last longer, and they seem even larger in the sudden disappeareance of other, smaller reference points, I suppose I will feel the typical middle age crisis and embark in the search for a last great passion, with my wife or abroad, or just a friendship at a blood brothers level. The urge to feel alive again, to feel the vertigo of great love or a burning hate once again.
And later, with most energy exhausted, just a series of low hills, again remembered fondly, but without remorse and pain. In the normal progress of time, and if this continues, Death can hold no fear, as there will be no need to fear. Nothing will really matter and all meaningful will have already been lost.
But so far I still miss my emotions, and delight in those passions I still can muster.
¶ 11:45 AM 0 comments
27.11.04
Drive
"Do you enjoy driving?" I get asked that a lot, probably as I do lots of driving. But I never know what to say.
I do not enjoy driving in itself. Most week-ends I actively try to avoid getting the car out, and I have spent whole holidays without moving the car. Yet, driving is a possibility I consider in any travel planning (and generally rejected unless we are three or four people). And I have lately driven a lot.
I started driving quite late. I got the license at 18, another of those passing of age rituals, but did not get a car (my father would never have left me drive his) till I was 27, when serving my draft. It was my mother's rejected car, as she did not want to drive it after she had a small accident with it. Nothing serious, but she was insecure afterwards.
So I passed from not driving to driving every morning to the military base where I served. When I finished, the year that passed while I wrote my Ph. D. thesis, the car languished in a garage, as I went walking everywhere. But once a month we made an excursion somewhere. We have lots of interesting things at a reasonable driving distance, which was good, but that meant there were bound to be people everywhere as well.
Then, when I went to work as a post-doc in France, I suddenly needed the car a lot more. Distances there were much greater inside the population centers, parking was easier, and my monthly trip back home was quite exciting in my small Opel Corsa.
In those long trips, that became longer when I exchanged Bordeaux for Angers, it was when I started feeling the driving experience. You cannot feel it in short trajects and you cannot feel it in crowded conditions. It is the closest I have been to a meditation state. Focused attention and blank mind. You blink and one hundred kilometers have passed by. And a slate of new ideas are somehow lodged in your mind.
I used to have all my good ideas in the shower. I love long showers with very hot water. In a symbolic way, the hot water drains away distractions, ideas or worries, leaving me only with the core ideas then on my mind. That lets me focus on them sharply. Something similar happens on the road, although there the ideas are more easily influenced by external factors, such as the music, a name seen on a road mark, a car seen on the way... More imaginative or creative. Although if the way is long enough, when my bladder brings me back into the world, I may have some new reflections on my own problems.
There is a second driving experience, but that requires attractive roads, less speed. It is more focused outside instead of inside, and it lets you feel the landscape you are passing by. Of course that requires a landscape that attracts your mind, and at the same time a challenging road that requires constant attention as well. In that case, without noticing, you soak up the view without directly looking. I build a mental map of the places, the trees, the road... And the next time you go through, it is easier as you know both the road and the view. Which is why I often like to do the same route twice, in two different occasions. Once for discovery and once for enjoyment.
Both experiences are somehow tied to the heightened state of concentration I experience while driving, as being a passenger, no matter the distance, does not bring it on. As it is also blocked by conversing or talking with others. But when the passengers fall sleep, the road beckons and I feel myself falling into it.
¶ 2:26 PM 0 comments
"Do you enjoy driving?" I get asked that a lot, probably as I do lots of driving. But I never know what to say.
I do not enjoy driving in itself. Most week-ends I actively try to avoid getting the car out, and I have spent whole holidays without moving the car. Yet, driving is a possibility I consider in any travel planning (and generally rejected unless we are three or four people). And I have lately driven a lot.
I started driving quite late. I got the license at 18, another of those passing of age rituals, but did not get a car (my father would never have left me drive his) till I was 27, when serving my draft. It was my mother's rejected car, as she did not want to drive it after she had a small accident with it. Nothing serious, but she was insecure afterwards.
So I passed from not driving to driving every morning to the military base where I served. When I finished, the year that passed while I wrote my Ph. D. thesis, the car languished in a garage, as I went walking everywhere. But once a month we made an excursion somewhere. We have lots of interesting things at a reasonable driving distance, which was good, but that meant there were bound to be people everywhere as well.
Then, when I went to work as a post-doc in France, I suddenly needed the car a lot more. Distances there were much greater inside the population centers, parking was easier, and my monthly trip back home was quite exciting in my small Opel Corsa.
In those long trips, that became longer when I exchanged Bordeaux for Angers, it was when I started feeling the driving experience. You cannot feel it in short trajects and you cannot feel it in crowded conditions. It is the closest I have been to a meditation state. Focused attention and blank mind. You blink and one hundred kilometers have passed by. And a slate of new ideas are somehow lodged in your mind.
I used to have all my good ideas in the shower. I love long showers with very hot water. In a symbolic way, the hot water drains away distractions, ideas or worries, leaving me only with the core ideas then on my mind. That lets me focus on them sharply. Something similar happens on the road, although there the ideas are more easily influenced by external factors, such as the music, a name seen on a road mark, a car seen on the way... More imaginative or creative. Although if the way is long enough, when my bladder brings me back into the world, I may have some new reflections on my own problems.
There is a second driving experience, but that requires attractive roads, less speed. It is more focused outside instead of inside, and it lets you feel the landscape you are passing by. Of course that requires a landscape that attracts your mind, and at the same time a challenging road that requires constant attention as well. In that case, without noticing, you soak up the view without directly looking. I build a mental map of the places, the trees, the road... And the next time you go through, it is easier as you know both the road and the view. Which is why I often like to do the same route twice, in two different occasions. Once for discovery and once for enjoyment.
Both experiences are somehow tied to the heightened state of concentration I experience while driving, as being a passenger, no matter the distance, does not bring it on. As it is also blocked by conversing or talking with others. But when the passengers fall sleep, the road beckons and I feel myself falling into it.
¶ 2:26 PM 0 comments
22.11.04
Spectator
Lately I find myself less and less drawn to the so-called spectator events. Sports, theatre, live comedy. And yet, I still am an avid cinema goer and book reader, activities that are quite similar in nature, being mostly a passive reception of information. TV is in a borderline situation, as I watch less and less, but there are still things that may hook me besides movies.
So, why is a football match (or a fencing match, to go closer to my likings) similar to a Hamlet's representation? Is that why I have gone to so few music performances this year? So few, indeed, that I am not sure if I disliked them or not.
Even highly expected and charged events, such as Coupland's September 10th, did leave me a little cold. There were mitigating circumstances in that one, and I left with a high appreciation for Coupland as a total performer, but I did not enjoy it, I just appreciated it at an intellectual level. Something similar happened the last few times I went to a theatre here. I can appreciate the technical execution, and the beauty of the words or the set-up (or lack of such) but I was left cold.
This year Olympics have been the quietest in my life. I did not watch deliberately any sport, no matter national pride, personal interest (I knew a couple of competing fencers) or just the beauty of the event. I have seen quite a lot of gymnastics because my wife likes it, and no athletics because she only watched it when a Spaniard opted for a medal. No staying till late, no video programming, no channel surfing. No emotion in the event. The only thing I liked was the opening ceremony.
I do not know if this is a sign of other problems or a matter in itself. If I stopped enjoying books and movies I would lose my main pleasures in life, so it is a bit frightening.
Of course, I have a theory about this. It is a professional habit, finding explanations. I suspect that I still enjoy computer games, or films, or books, because I can get involved. I can break the wall between audience and the action, with my imagination. Indeed, if the book or film is well done, my wider knowledge than a few years ago enhance my involvement (recognising historical clothing and decoration in The Profession of Arms, as well as period music and lighting). And those that rub wrongly, become almost unbearable, like the spectator events mentioned above.
So I find myself unable to focus on outside shows if I cannot feel involved, and I cannot feel involved if there is not the possibility to suspend my disbelief in what I am being shown. A taller order in a scenario than a screen. This may explain why instead of reading less science-fiction and fantasy I find myself reading more and more. Because it is easier to accept a tree big as a world than a big historical blunder.
How odd we become when we get older.
¶ 2:38 PM 0 comments
Lately I find myself less and less drawn to the so-called spectator events. Sports, theatre, live comedy. And yet, I still am an avid cinema goer and book reader, activities that are quite similar in nature, being mostly a passive reception of information. TV is in a borderline situation, as I watch less and less, but there are still things that may hook me besides movies.
So, why is a football match (or a fencing match, to go closer to my likings) similar to a Hamlet's representation? Is that why I have gone to so few music performances this year? So few, indeed, that I am not sure if I disliked them or not.
Even highly expected and charged events, such as Coupland's September 10th, did leave me a little cold. There were mitigating circumstances in that one, and I left with a high appreciation for Coupland as a total performer, but I did not enjoy it, I just appreciated it at an intellectual level. Something similar happened the last few times I went to a theatre here. I can appreciate the technical execution, and the beauty of the words or the set-up (or lack of such) but I was left cold.
This year Olympics have been the quietest in my life. I did not watch deliberately any sport, no matter national pride, personal interest (I knew a couple of competing fencers) or just the beauty of the event. I have seen quite a lot of gymnastics because my wife likes it, and no athletics because she only watched it when a Spaniard opted for a medal. No staying till late, no video programming, no channel surfing. No emotion in the event. The only thing I liked was the opening ceremony.
I do not know if this is a sign of other problems or a matter in itself. If I stopped enjoying books and movies I would lose my main pleasures in life, so it is a bit frightening.
Of course, I have a theory about this. It is a professional habit, finding explanations. I suspect that I still enjoy computer games, or films, or books, because I can get involved. I can break the wall between audience and the action, with my imagination. Indeed, if the book or film is well done, my wider knowledge than a few years ago enhance my involvement (recognising historical clothing and decoration in The Profession of Arms, as well as period music and lighting). And those that rub wrongly, become almost unbearable, like the spectator events mentioned above.
So I find myself unable to focus on outside shows if I cannot feel involved, and I cannot feel involved if there is not the possibility to suspend my disbelief in what I am being shown. A taller order in a scenario than a screen. This may explain why instead of reading less science-fiction and fantasy I find myself reading more and more. Because it is easier to accept a tree big as a world than a big historical blunder.
How odd we become when we get older.
¶ 2:38 PM 0 comments
21.11.04
Balancing Emotions
A friend comments (and I hope she does not mind me quoting her):
"I suddenly realized that the feelings that are important/defining in a relationship are completely different from the feelings that power that very same relationship in the first place. Everyday life is so different from that first fascination, whether it is a family relationship, friendship or love. I wonder why sometimes the transition from one to the other is seamless, and other times, that it is when things go wrong in the first place."
I do believe that is the conundrum for relationship balance, and one ingredient I had missing. Not only you have to try (little or a lot) and feel the other trying. You need for both people in a relationship (as most groups can be dealt with as one on one relationships with interferences from others) to use the same scale for what the relationship is about.
If I want safety and she wants passion, it cannot work unless one or preferably both change the terms a bit. So I am willing to trade a little safety for more passion, or she sometimes reassures me instead of just working me up.
That requires another balancing act besides effort and interest, as relationships are dynamical situations, and change with time. So you have to move with it. Besides, as mentioned above, moving from initial fascination to steady link, interests and demands change with circumstances. After getting a new job, the financial situation may be different, but the available time will change too. And you have to adapt to it.
A clear example is when a good friend enters a steady relationship with big compromises (in Spain, usually that passes through marriage). Priorities change, time requirements change, and old standards cannot hold. Either you adapt or the friendship will whither. And that is generally to blame on the ones that do not adapt, the "abandoned" friends. And sometimes, you just have to downsize a relationship. If her husband hates you, and your friends cannot stand her chatter, you just cannot hope to meet every week. So change venues. Go internet. Work on friends and husband. Or if you do not want to work for it, it is not worth the effort, the relationship will weaken. But that is normal. We have limited time and energy, so we cannot have a hundred blood brothers. Sometimes a trusted acquaintance you can call and pour your heart out is better than a buddy friend that will try to solve your problems the wrong way.
Distance is a factor only in that it highlights the effort you are willing to make to keep the relationship going.
Being on good terms with your parents is easy if you live in the same town, have lunch together once a week, and tolerate their little weirdnesses. But if they are far away, and every long phone conversation follows the same pattern, and every visit sees the same series of hurts and reproaches, it becomes much harder. That weekly phone call and that yearly visit take as much from you as a routine meal. But think that the inverse is also true. And that they are so heavyhanded and unnatural because they try to cram all their pent up love, hope and frustrations in a small package, instead of safely dispersing them in big safe doses. It is their way of trying to keep the relationship going. Of course, most of them are possessive obssessives, but parents are one of those things you cannot choose.
Relationships also have that way of self-perpetuating. All that effort put in them, even if they failed, works like money at the bank, accruing interest. And the problem with imbalances is that in a broken relationship, the perceived imbalance will be growing with time. Meanwhile, all the weight of that effort, emotion, shared history makes it impossible to forget. I do not know what is worse, when the broken loop affects only one, or when the two are locked in a destructive relationship, fed by their shared hate and love.
Most relationships stabilize or collapse into almost nothingness. But although at times the stabilization is natural, fixed by circumstances, generally it requires work, shared work to keep it in place. And if one wants to keep it in place while the other wants to change it (either closer or further away), it usually ends up badly. And not only intensity. Focus as well is important. If we both want to spend lots of time together, but she wants to talk when I want to kiss her, we will crash and burn. Or change.
So be sincere to your appreciated ones, and to yourself. It is the only way to balance things out.
¶ 11:30 AM 0 comments
A friend comments (and I hope she does not mind me quoting her):
"I suddenly realized that the feelings that are important/defining in a relationship are completely different from the feelings that power that very same relationship in the first place. Everyday life is so different from that first fascination, whether it is a family relationship, friendship or love. I wonder why sometimes the transition from one to the other is seamless, and other times, that it is when things go wrong in the first place."
I do believe that is the conundrum for relationship balance, and one ingredient I had missing. Not only you have to try (little or a lot) and feel the other trying. You need for both people in a relationship (as most groups can be dealt with as one on one relationships with interferences from others) to use the same scale for what the relationship is about.
If I want safety and she wants passion, it cannot work unless one or preferably both change the terms a bit. So I am willing to trade a little safety for more passion, or she sometimes reassures me instead of just working me up.
That requires another balancing act besides effort and interest, as relationships are dynamical situations, and change with time. So you have to move with it. Besides, as mentioned above, moving from initial fascination to steady link, interests and demands change with circumstances. After getting a new job, the financial situation may be different, but the available time will change too. And you have to adapt to it.
A clear example is when a good friend enters a steady relationship with big compromises (in Spain, usually that passes through marriage). Priorities change, time requirements change, and old standards cannot hold. Either you adapt or the friendship will whither. And that is generally to blame on the ones that do not adapt, the "abandoned" friends. And sometimes, you just have to downsize a relationship. If her husband hates you, and your friends cannot stand her chatter, you just cannot hope to meet every week. So change venues. Go internet. Work on friends and husband. Or if you do not want to work for it, it is not worth the effort, the relationship will weaken. But that is normal. We have limited time and energy, so we cannot have a hundred blood brothers. Sometimes a trusted acquaintance you can call and pour your heart out is better than a buddy friend that will try to solve your problems the wrong way.
Distance is a factor only in that it highlights the effort you are willing to make to keep the relationship going.
Being on good terms with your parents is easy if you live in the same town, have lunch together once a week, and tolerate their little weirdnesses. But if they are far away, and every long phone conversation follows the same pattern, and every visit sees the same series of hurts and reproaches, it becomes much harder. That weekly phone call and that yearly visit take as much from you as a routine meal. But think that the inverse is also true. And that they are so heavyhanded and unnatural because they try to cram all their pent up love, hope and frustrations in a small package, instead of safely dispersing them in big safe doses. It is their way of trying to keep the relationship going. Of course, most of them are possessive obssessives, but parents are one of those things you cannot choose.
Relationships also have that way of self-perpetuating. All that effort put in them, even if they failed, works like money at the bank, accruing interest. And the problem with imbalances is that in a broken relationship, the perceived imbalance will be growing with time. Meanwhile, all the weight of that effort, emotion, shared history makes it impossible to forget. I do not know what is worse, when the broken loop affects only one, or when the two are locked in a destructive relationship, fed by their shared hate and love.
Most relationships stabilize or collapse into almost nothingness. But although at times the stabilization is natural, fixed by circumstances, generally it requires work, shared work to keep it in place. And if one wants to keep it in place while the other wants to change it (either closer or further away), it usually ends up badly. And not only intensity. Focus as well is important. If we both want to spend lots of time together, but she wants to talk when I want to kiss her, we will crash and burn. Or change.
So be sincere to your appreciated ones, and to yourself. It is the only way to balance things out.
¶ 11:30 AM 0 comments
17.11.04
Friendship
I have already commented how I seem to misplace friends lately. As well, I have also commented on my reactive vital attitude. Although I suppose the few of you who still read all of it did make the connection, it has taken me quite some time that the second circumstance explains the first.
Thinking of emotions, I always envision the "emotional plane" similar to a relativistic plane, deformed by the strength of the emotions. However, unlike gravity, you can get both up and downwards pulls (love and hate). And as love for someone can spill into those close by, or association with a hated one pulls others in the pit of hate, the different objects in the plane move and interact.
I suppose it would be clearer with an image, but I have rules.
As relativity, it is observer dependent. The abyss that opens on a hated one does not affect (at least in my materialistic view) the love that her family keep for her. And if I do nothing, the mountain of love I see will not keep my loved one from being sad or down.
This general view, held since my teens, affects even my forms of speech. When trying to forget someone, I am trying to "plane" them down (or up), to become emotionally neutral. Up is generally positive when thinking of people, and friends are "uphill". The only case of passionate love/passionate hate became a black hole, looping in itself from above, or maybe below. The fourteen month black hole. This also explains why I can easily ignore hated ones when some loved one is in between, but the inverse is not true.
In this view of things, my affection for a friend does not reduce just because they are far away. It is an intrinsic property of them, independent of distance. But if they are far away, I may not see them, even if there are no other hills (or mountains) along the way. And what is worse, people change, while the mental image, specially if there is no interaction, does not. So when we meet, instead of a recovered friend, for a few minutes (or a few times, sadly, longer) I meet a stranger that reminds me a landscape from the past.
Which is why meeting friends, even if only from time to time, is critical, if only to update their image. And I have found that is something that no card or e-mail can do. Letters can, if long and sincere enough, or frequent. Many minutes on the telephone. Some quality minutes face to face, the best option.
It may sound selfish, but other friends and family are poison for those quality minutes. They pull at the image, distract both of you, and generally stumble around unaware of that mountain you are trying to find, and keeping you from seeing it. There are moments for a group of friends, but you should be back being friends first.
Getting back to the start, I give out my heart freely, but do not really work hard to keep the link. Being happy with what I have, there is little urge to look at the horizon. To my loss, when I really miss the person, and cannot find them again. And theirs, as well, as I will always answer. It is in my nature.
My emotion plane seems terribly eroded, of late, but that is a matter for other day.
¶ 12:21 AM 0 comments
I have already commented how I seem to misplace friends lately. As well, I have also commented on my reactive vital attitude. Although I suppose the few of you who still read all of it did make the connection, it has taken me quite some time that the second circumstance explains the first.
Thinking of emotions, I always envision the "emotional plane" similar to a relativistic plane, deformed by the strength of the emotions. However, unlike gravity, you can get both up and downwards pulls (love and hate). And as love for someone can spill into those close by, or association with a hated one pulls others in the pit of hate, the different objects in the plane move and interact.
I suppose it would be clearer with an image, but I have rules.
As relativity, it is observer dependent. The abyss that opens on a hated one does not affect (at least in my materialistic view) the love that her family keep for her. And if I do nothing, the mountain of love I see will not keep my loved one from being sad or down.
This general view, held since my teens, affects even my forms of speech. When trying to forget someone, I am trying to "plane" them down (or up), to become emotionally neutral. Up is generally positive when thinking of people, and friends are "uphill". The only case of passionate love/passionate hate became a black hole, looping in itself from above, or maybe below. The fourteen month black hole. This also explains why I can easily ignore hated ones when some loved one is in between, but the inverse is not true.
In this view of things, my affection for a friend does not reduce just because they are far away. It is an intrinsic property of them, independent of distance. But if they are far away, I may not see them, even if there are no other hills (or mountains) along the way. And what is worse, people change, while the mental image, specially if there is no interaction, does not. So when we meet, instead of a recovered friend, for a few minutes (or a few times, sadly, longer) I meet a stranger that reminds me a landscape from the past.
Which is why meeting friends, even if only from time to time, is critical, if only to update their image. And I have found that is something that no card or e-mail can do. Letters can, if long and sincere enough, or frequent. Many minutes on the telephone. Some quality minutes face to face, the best option.
It may sound selfish, but other friends and family are poison for those quality minutes. They pull at the image, distract both of you, and generally stumble around unaware of that mountain you are trying to find, and keeping you from seeing it. There are moments for a group of friends, but you should be back being friends first.
Getting back to the start, I give out my heart freely, but do not really work hard to keep the link. Being happy with what I have, there is little urge to look at the horizon. To my loss, when I really miss the person, and cannot find them again. And theirs, as well, as I will always answer. It is in my nature.
My emotion plane seems terribly eroded, of late, but that is a matter for other day.
¶ 12:21 AM 0 comments
16.11.04
Past
This is one of my pet subjects, how the perception of the past changes from one observer to another, and usually from reality. It arises both from my interest in history and the discrepancies I started noticing between my memories and events as etailed by others.
Quickly discounting a conspiracy to cheat me as unlikely, that showed that all memories are false, but at the same time, once the event is past, all memories are true, as that is the way that the world is, for me.
I am blessed with a good visual memory and a quite efficient recall. And indeed, I am quite faithful to reality when reliving past visions. However, both the auditive and cognitive memories are more faulty. So I may remember a circumstance perfectly, but falsify the conversation to my own subconscious ends. Things can get even worse with what I felt and thought. Which is why I appreciate so much those memories with such an emotional charge (as the Hakone memory I mentioned a few days ago) that there is no doubt what I felt then, even if the why of the feeling may not be clear.
It is quite eccentric to be looking for opportunities to prove my memories of events wrong, but it also helps my self-esteem. If I am wrong, well, I get some new information. If I am right (as usual, my wife would add with sarcasm), well that is satisfying in itself. That means I am a good listener, but tend to cross examine people too much, specially concerning events I was in as well. Meetings where each attendant write a report are specially good, if done candidly, because they show as well the view from different angles. And are a good way to find those small tricks the brain plays on itself.
So if I ask about our last meeting, I am not a doppelganger hunting for information on myself, I am just testing my memory once more.
¶ 2:35 PM 0 comments
This is one of my pet subjects, how the perception of the past changes from one observer to another, and usually from reality. It arises both from my interest in history and the discrepancies I started noticing between my memories and events as etailed by others.
Quickly discounting a conspiracy to cheat me as unlikely, that showed that all memories are false, but at the same time, once the event is past, all memories are true, as that is the way that the world is, for me.
I am blessed with a good visual memory and a quite efficient recall. And indeed, I am quite faithful to reality when reliving past visions. However, both the auditive and cognitive memories are more faulty. So I may remember a circumstance perfectly, but falsify the conversation to my own subconscious ends. Things can get even worse with what I felt and thought. Which is why I appreciate so much those memories with such an emotional charge (as the Hakone memory I mentioned a few days ago) that there is no doubt what I felt then, even if the why of the feeling may not be clear.
It is quite eccentric to be looking for opportunities to prove my memories of events wrong, but it also helps my self-esteem. If I am wrong, well, I get some new information. If I am right (as usual, my wife would add with sarcasm), well that is satisfying in itself. That means I am a good listener, but tend to cross examine people too much, specially concerning events I was in as well. Meetings where each attendant write a report are specially good, if done candidly, because they show as well the view from different angles. And are a good way to find those small tricks the brain plays on itself.
So if I ask about our last meeting, I am not a doppelganger hunting for information on myself, I am just testing my memory once more.
¶ 2:35 PM 0 comments
11.11.04
Happiness
I subscribe to the school of thought that claims that happiness is lack of want. Which means that modern Western society is a breeding ground of happiness. Of brief moments of happiness until a new need, a new requirement, a new absence makes you aware that you lack something you really need.
I may be happy lacking many things. At least I try to. Each of us has different requirements for happiness. And I have to recognize that my needs are easy to fill, so most of my life I am happy and contented. I also have this tendency to obsession, which means that as long as I have access to the object of my obsession, I want nothing else. The clearest example is books. I do really find happiness, even if it is only for a while, in books. For a time the only thing I really require is one more page.
This focusing ability helps also pass the time, stop worrying, or just falling asleep. Sometimes, however, something I lack is able to bypass all those mind tricks and distractions. Whether it is undeniable, such as hunger (although I have spent a day without food with two books and music), overwhelming, such as a crisis while at work, or insidious (something my wife requires, which quickly becomes something I require, or she will not give me peace to enjoy my lack of need), the bliss is broken, and I am forced into action.
Because no matter what they try to sell us, in motion there is no happiness. There is emotion, and exhilaration, and pleasure. But no happiness. Happiness comes when the motion stops.
¶ 4:08 PM 0 comments
I subscribe to the school of thought that claims that happiness is lack of want. Which means that modern Western society is a breeding ground of happiness. Of brief moments of happiness until a new need, a new requirement, a new absence makes you aware that you lack something you really need.
I may be happy lacking many things. At least I try to. Each of us has different requirements for happiness. And I have to recognize that my needs are easy to fill, so most of my life I am happy and contented. I also have this tendency to obsession, which means that as long as I have access to the object of my obsession, I want nothing else. The clearest example is books. I do really find happiness, even if it is only for a while, in books. For a time the only thing I really require is one more page.
This focusing ability helps also pass the time, stop worrying, or just falling asleep. Sometimes, however, something I lack is able to bypass all those mind tricks and distractions. Whether it is undeniable, such as hunger (although I have spent a day without food with two books and music), overwhelming, such as a crisis while at work, or insidious (something my wife requires, which quickly becomes something I require, or she will not give me peace to enjoy my lack of need), the bliss is broken, and I am forced into action.
Because no matter what they try to sell us, in motion there is no happiness. There is emotion, and exhilaration, and pleasure. But no happiness. Happiness comes when the motion stops.
¶ 4:08 PM 0 comments
10.11.04
Politics? No
I was tempted to at least mention the US election. But what use would it serve? My few readers had their minds made up, and most of you could not vote there. I have found people to be quite resistant to political change, so I feel the point of campaigns is to make those who would vote for you go to vote, and those who would vote for others to stay home. As I did not feel I could even achieve that, I just stayed out of it. At least here, as I did make my small contribution in other circles where at least some voters could be convinced to refrain from staying home.
But as the title says, that is not the aim of this post. No, my aim is to discuss why we feel this urge to share our political views, and even to convince our opponents of the wrongness of their views. Of course, they feel the same, and the end result is quite similar to two fools talking to two walls, with each of them just catching a few snippets of what the other has said. When I talk politics, I prefer to find someone who mostly agrees with me, as that way I will at least have the opportunity to learn something new. Because I am sure I will not change my mind, and I suspect the other will not change his either.
A short pleasant exchange of ideas is much better than a series of rantings against a wall with echo (although in a way, that is what I do here). So if I do argue with you in politics, it is because I mostly agree with you. Otherwise it is not worth it.
¶ 10:39 AM 0 comments
I was tempted to at least mention the US election. But what use would it serve? My few readers had their minds made up, and most of you could not vote there. I have found people to be quite resistant to political change, so I feel the point of campaigns is to make those who would vote for you go to vote, and those who would vote for others to stay home. As I did not feel I could even achieve that, I just stayed out of it. At least here, as I did make my small contribution in other circles where at least some voters could be convinced to refrain from staying home.
But as the title says, that is not the aim of this post. No, my aim is to discuss why we feel this urge to share our political views, and even to convince our opponents of the wrongness of their views. Of course, they feel the same, and the end result is quite similar to two fools talking to two walls, with each of them just catching a few snippets of what the other has said. When I talk politics, I prefer to find someone who mostly agrees with me, as that way I will at least have the opportunity to learn something new. Because I am sure I will not change my mind, and I suspect the other will not change his either.
A short pleasant exchange of ideas is much better than a series of rantings against a wall with echo (although in a way, that is what I do here). So if I do argue with you in politics, it is because I mostly agree with you. Otherwise it is not worth it.
¶ 10:39 AM 0 comments
9.11.04
Balancing Act
I have found, through the years, that for any relationship to last and progress, it requires a certain balance between the participants. Not only a love affair, it is necessary also with friends, family, coworkers...
Balance does not require simmetry. Indeed, simmetry is very hard to achieve and may be unbalancing. A true balance lies in compensating strong points with weak points. So an extrovert and an introvert can provide each other with the necessary equilibrium, one giving reflection to the others life while the other brings the whole outside world to his friend. Or I may bring passion to a relationship while the other brings beauty and serenity.
What is also important is the the involvement, the importance that each gives to the relationship is closely matched. If a relationship is the most important in my life, it better be pretty important, and the most or second most important for the other, or there are bound to be difficulties and insatisfaction.
A simple acquaintance can be more pleasurable than an unbalanced friendship. And nothing is worse than unrequited love. For me, it is better to break cleanly that keep the pressure that the unbalance will bring to the realtionship. It is a classic in movies, but terribly sad in reality. Sad and generally a way to destroy someone's self image, when one hides the real extent of the relationship just to keep it alive a little longer.
One of my favourite songs, that I always feel is the one that I should sing after breaking up with my true love, because she does not love me enough, with that contrast between lyrics and music (at least as sung by Nina Simone):
Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin’ on by you know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
(twice)
And I’m feeling good
Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel
(refrain)
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
(Refrain)
¶ 9:49 PM 0 comments
I have found, through the years, that for any relationship to last and progress, it requires a certain balance between the participants. Not only a love affair, it is necessary also with friends, family, coworkers...
Balance does not require simmetry. Indeed, simmetry is very hard to achieve and may be unbalancing. A true balance lies in compensating strong points with weak points. So an extrovert and an introvert can provide each other with the necessary equilibrium, one giving reflection to the others life while the other brings the whole outside world to his friend. Or I may bring passion to a relationship while the other brings beauty and serenity.
What is also important is the the involvement, the importance that each gives to the relationship is closely matched. If a relationship is the most important in my life, it better be pretty important, and the most or second most important for the other, or there are bound to be difficulties and insatisfaction.
A simple acquaintance can be more pleasurable than an unbalanced friendship. And nothing is worse than unrequited love. For me, it is better to break cleanly that keep the pressure that the unbalance will bring to the realtionship. It is a classic in movies, but terribly sad in reality. Sad and generally a way to destroy someone's self image, when one hides the real extent of the relationship just to keep it alive a little longer.
One of my favourite songs, that I always feel is the one that I should sing after breaking up with my true love, because she does not love me enough, with that contrast between lyrics and music (at least as sung by Nina Simone):
Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin’ on by you know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
(twice)
And I’m feeling good
Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel
(refrain)
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
(Refrain)
¶ 9:49 PM 0 comments
7.11.04
Memories of Memories
Going back in my mind to those two days in Hakone, I ended up reflecting on the memories themselves. Yes, it was a great experience, but I have seen more impressive sights and done more impressive trips. And yet, there are few memories that warm me as much. The circumstances helped, that's true, but even when I have been down with my wife, and shared memories just made me melancholic, this one still cheered me up.
I do not know how the brain stores it, as there is no single factor to point to. But I believe there is as well a memory of happiness, stored with Hakone. So no matter how I remember it, I relive as well that happiness. And as an isolated feeling it is self-referential, warming up without concern to other circumstances.
There are as well memories that are associated to people, so the memories come up when I think of them, and whose meaning is tied to my current feelings. Those memories that stopped hurting when I stopped being in love (several years later than the break up). Those happy memories that still make me feel guilty, for how bad I dealt with her. And yet, there are a few isolated memories where the memory itself is strong enough to stand on its own, and I feel sad even if I do not remember the names of the people involved, just a holidays love and heartbreak. A memory that comes up when I am feeling blue and ready to drink, as it was my fastest drunk record. From sober to drunk in fifteen minutes, courtesy of a liter of vodka and two liters of orange juice (only needed a third of that).
Not all memories are of love and loss. Hakone was not, I think. Although many are, as it is asource of happiness and pain. I still remember a day visiting wine cellars, in France in Spring, with two fellow coworkers. We were not particularly friendly before, and did not go and become friends. But it was such a perfect day we have kept in touch, probably on the strength of a shared memory. Nothing else than knowing it was true, and that someone else also treasures that memory. And as the memory grows with repetition, just drinking a Coteaux de Layon fills me with a strange pleasure. Or listening to the same tape I had in the car that day (and that survived the clean up, as it is too precious now).
You never know however what will withstand the test of time. Some of my most passionate moments are faded and gone, and a childish scolding thirty years ago still comes to my mind when I make a fool of myself publicly. Really only time can tell. In a way I prefer it that way. Some memories I feel I would be better without, but still, they come up and remind me of my past. We are the sum of memories, and the memories others have of us. I just hope others have as much good memories with me as I do with them.
¶ 4:11 PM 0 comments
Going back in my mind to those two days in Hakone, I ended up reflecting on the memories themselves. Yes, it was a great experience, but I have seen more impressive sights and done more impressive trips. And yet, there are few memories that warm me as much. The circumstances helped, that's true, but even when I have been down with my wife, and shared memories just made me melancholic, this one still cheered me up.
I do not know how the brain stores it, as there is no single factor to point to. But I believe there is as well a memory of happiness, stored with Hakone. So no matter how I remember it, I relive as well that happiness. And as an isolated feeling it is self-referential, warming up without concern to other circumstances.
There are as well memories that are associated to people, so the memories come up when I think of them, and whose meaning is tied to my current feelings. Those memories that stopped hurting when I stopped being in love (several years later than the break up). Those happy memories that still make me feel guilty, for how bad I dealt with her. And yet, there are a few isolated memories where the memory itself is strong enough to stand on its own, and I feel sad even if I do not remember the names of the people involved, just a holidays love and heartbreak. A memory that comes up when I am feeling blue and ready to drink, as it was my fastest drunk record. From sober to drunk in fifteen minutes, courtesy of a liter of vodka and two liters of orange juice (only needed a third of that).
Not all memories are of love and loss. Hakone was not, I think. Although many are, as it is asource of happiness and pain. I still remember a day visiting wine cellars, in France in Spring, with two fellow coworkers. We were not particularly friendly before, and did not go and become friends. But it was such a perfect day we have kept in touch, probably on the strength of a shared memory. Nothing else than knowing it was true, and that someone else also treasures that memory. And as the memory grows with repetition, just drinking a Coteaux de Layon fills me with a strange pleasure. Or listening to the same tape I had in the car that day (and that survived the clean up, as it is too precious now).
You never know however what will withstand the test of time. Some of my most passionate moments are faded and gone, and a childish scolding thirty years ago still comes to my mind when I make a fool of myself publicly. Really only time can tell. In a way I prefer it that way. Some memories I feel I would be better without, but still, they come up and remind me of my past. We are the sum of memories, and the memories others have of us. I just hope others have as much good memories with me as I do with them.
¶ 4:11 PM 0 comments
6.11.04
Memories of Hakone
I have been meeting Hakone again in Murakami's books. And that brought back my memories to that honeymoon in Japan, and those days in Hakone.
Hakone is a national park close to Tokyo and Mt. Fuji (it is Fuji-Hakone-Izu), a land of mountains and thermal springs, surrounding the picturesque lake Ashi.
We had planned one night in a spa hotel (Palace Hotel Hakone) then to compensate one day and night at a Zen monastery and finally Kyoto for the second half of the trip.
Certainly after the overwhelming urbanity of Tokyo, the golden leaved trees in autumn, the dark green evergreens higher up, and the looming form of Mt. Fuji, was the best for letting our souls overtake us.
It also condenses in a small package the contrast between the old and the new, the natural and the artificial that pervades Japan. Expensive to stay but cheap to go to, it was full of day trippers, while it was silent and quiet after 5 pm. The crowds in the funicular and the paddle boats (ah, the kitsch pirate paddle boats!) contrast with the intimate loneliness you can feel in a hot bath. Neither can the peaceful and almost deserted shrine combine with the filled up street market. Or the deserted family restaurant where all the family brought us tea just to watch those strange but polite barbarians (and to show mom they can speak Engrish).
And a barbarian I was. Big, unshaven, black overcoat, black coat, black gloves, rough brown woolen sweater, enormous hiking shoes. Most people talked to my wife first, and glanced uneasily in my direction, except for young boys and girls, who seemed fascinated for my looks.
In the end, we stayed one more night (and three more baths) in the luxury spa, and skipped the night on the thin futons and the four hours meditation. I never felt closer to understanding Japan than in Hakone.
Now, if I could explain it to others.
¶ 10:53 AM 0 comments
I have been meeting Hakone again in Murakami's books. And that brought back my memories to that honeymoon in Japan, and those days in Hakone.
Hakone is a national park close to Tokyo and Mt. Fuji (it is Fuji-Hakone-Izu), a land of mountains and thermal springs, surrounding the picturesque lake Ashi.
We had planned one night in a spa hotel (Palace Hotel Hakone) then to compensate one day and night at a Zen monastery and finally Kyoto for the second half of the trip.
Certainly after the overwhelming urbanity of Tokyo, the golden leaved trees in autumn, the dark green evergreens higher up, and the looming form of Mt. Fuji, was the best for letting our souls overtake us.
It also condenses in a small package the contrast between the old and the new, the natural and the artificial that pervades Japan. Expensive to stay but cheap to go to, it was full of day trippers, while it was silent and quiet after 5 pm. The crowds in the funicular and the paddle boats (ah, the kitsch pirate paddle boats!) contrast with the intimate loneliness you can feel in a hot bath. Neither can the peaceful and almost deserted shrine combine with the filled up street market. Or the deserted family restaurant where all the family brought us tea just to watch those strange but polite barbarians (and to show mom they can speak Engrish).
And a barbarian I was. Big, unshaven, black overcoat, black coat, black gloves, rough brown woolen sweater, enormous hiking shoes. Most people talked to my wife first, and glanced uneasily in my direction, except for young boys and girls, who seemed fascinated for my looks.
In the end, we stayed one more night (and three more baths) in the luxury spa, and skipped the night on the thin futons and the four hours meditation. I never felt closer to understanding Japan than in Hakone.
Now, if I could explain it to others.
¶ 10:53 AM 0 comments
3.11.04
Time
Or not having enough. Let's take a normal day:
- Up at 7:00. Shower first (my wife, although theoretically up at 7, usually waits till 7:15), then shave, dress, breakfast and some reading or internet browsing. Meanwhile radio news are on, to get updated quick.
- Out at 7:45 (theoretical). Drive to work. Arrival between 8:00 and 8:15. If there was some follow up news, listen to the radio. Usually listen to music.
- Work. Do some non-work e-mail and browsing.
- Lunch break. Theoretically at 13:00, in practice car pooling means we usually go out at 13:15. If I am driving, home at 13:45. If I am driven, 13:30.
- Cooking and general house chores (dishes, laundry, cleaning kitchen) taking place in the kitchen. Read while cooking.
- Eat between 14:00 and 14:30 depending on food. For relaxation after eating I either read, write on the internet, write e-mail, or play computer games. A few times I YM, although it is not really relaxing. Include a ten minutes phone conversation with my mother (Yes, mum. No, mum...). Unless playing a game, listening to music, usually on the computer.
- Leave at 15:15. Back at work at 15:30.
- Theoretically (again) I should leave at 18:30, specially as I am not paid for overtime (nor are my hours counted in any way). Depending on experiments, analytical procedures underway, and meetings with bosses I actually leave between 19:00 and 20:30. Before leaving I phone my wife to know where she is and arrange evening activities (shopping, cinema, rest at home, family visits, friend visits). The later it is, the more likely it is a shower (or bath) and rest home.
- 21:00. Unless dining out (usually linked to movie going during the week) time to start cooking dinner. Or if I have fencing (Tuesdays-Thursdays) when I change to sport apparel. She watches TV while cooking, I read. A few times a month she reads, and I watch CSI Vegas.
- 22:00. Dinner. Either watching a cable movie, or some series. This takes place at 23:00 if a fencing day.
- After dinner either we watch a film together (usually I have a book or the laptop, talk about multitasking) or she falls asleep in the couch while I am on the main PC, writing, working or just passing time away.
- 24:00 I wake her up and try to make her go to bed. Between one thing and other, depending on fatigue, book, computer game, or second movie of the night (the ones that start around 23:30), go to bed between 0:05 and 1:30.
Repeat.
Week-ends are better, although she usually works Saturdays. So we seldom go out on Fridays, but almost always do on Saturday evenings. Also on week-ends I sleep the hours I missed to make my usual weekly 50 sleep hours.
So if I read a lot, or have an interesting computer game going, or I am working a lot and bringing work home, the only think I can reduce is my web presence. Add that when stressed at work the internet does not cut it as much as a good book or a good pixelated massacre, and I will be gone like a week. Just like now.
¶ 9:41 AM 0 comments
Or not having enough. Let's take a normal day:
- Up at 7:00. Shower first (my wife, although theoretically up at 7, usually waits till 7:15), then shave, dress, breakfast and some reading or internet browsing. Meanwhile radio news are on, to get updated quick.
- Out at 7:45 (theoretical). Drive to work. Arrival between 8:00 and 8:15. If there was some follow up news, listen to the radio. Usually listen to music.
- Work. Do some non-work e-mail and browsing.
- Lunch break. Theoretically at 13:00, in practice car pooling means we usually go out at 13:15. If I am driving, home at 13:45. If I am driven, 13:30.
- Cooking and general house chores (dishes, laundry, cleaning kitchen) taking place in the kitchen. Read while cooking.
- Eat between 14:00 and 14:30 depending on food. For relaxation after eating I either read, write on the internet, write e-mail, or play computer games. A few times I YM, although it is not really relaxing. Include a ten minutes phone conversation with my mother (Yes, mum. No, mum...). Unless playing a game, listening to music, usually on the computer.
- Leave at 15:15. Back at work at 15:30.
- Theoretically (again) I should leave at 18:30, specially as I am not paid for overtime (nor are my hours counted in any way). Depending on experiments, analytical procedures underway, and meetings with bosses I actually leave between 19:00 and 20:30. Before leaving I phone my wife to know where she is and arrange evening activities (shopping, cinema, rest at home, family visits, friend visits). The later it is, the more likely it is a shower (or bath) and rest home.
- 21:00. Unless dining out (usually linked to movie going during the week) time to start cooking dinner. Or if I have fencing (Tuesdays-Thursdays) when I change to sport apparel. She watches TV while cooking, I read. A few times a month she reads, and I watch CSI Vegas.
- 22:00. Dinner. Either watching a cable movie, or some series. This takes place at 23:00 if a fencing day.
- After dinner either we watch a film together (usually I have a book or the laptop, talk about multitasking) or she falls asleep in the couch while I am on the main PC, writing, working or just passing time away.
- 24:00 I wake her up and try to make her go to bed. Between one thing and other, depending on fatigue, book, computer game, or second movie of the night (the ones that start around 23:30), go to bed between 0:05 and 1:30.
Repeat.
Week-ends are better, although she usually works Saturdays. So we seldom go out on Fridays, but almost always do on Saturday evenings. Also on week-ends I sleep the hours I missed to make my usual weekly 50 sleep hours.
So if I read a lot, or have an interesting computer game going, or I am working a lot and bringing work home, the only think I can reduce is my web presence. Add that when stressed at work the internet does not cut it as much as a good book or a good pixelated massacre, and I will be gone like a week. Just like now.
¶ 9:41 AM 0 comments
